ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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