I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
