So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
