You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
