TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
