Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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