I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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