I wish my penis had an off switch
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Someone shit on the floor
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
