i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
