just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
