well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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