apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
