i was rollin on her like bob the builder
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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