Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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