I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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