Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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