It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
