My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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