I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just found puke in my bra..
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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