I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
