I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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