omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize