I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
