Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
ttyl tear gas
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
