Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
