thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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