i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
