Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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