I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
