just tell him i said nine months
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize