omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
