I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
