Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
