The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Your penis caused this!
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