this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
