It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
