I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
