evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
