I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
