home. puking in laundry basket.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This couple is walking their pig around campus
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
