idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
