Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
