in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
