Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize