i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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