im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
