Can i not drive my cunt home
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
