So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize