I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I wear drunk well.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
