WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
