I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize