you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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