The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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