I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
