Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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