he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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