she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
