Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
