so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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