You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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