I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
