fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize