i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
