I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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