do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
