Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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