I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
