apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
