I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize