He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
