i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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